When ‘hello darling’ turns violent

Mary Brandon was savagely beaten when she stood up to a man who groped her at the Notting Hill Carnival. What makes some men think they have a right to put their hands on women’s bodies?

Most people come to Notting Hill Carnival to have a good time, but one student this year had a horrendous experience. Photograph: Laura Lean/PA

A 22-year-old student trying to enjoy the Notting Hill Carnival ended up spending nine hours in hospital this week because she had the audacity to stand up to a man who groped her. Mary Brandon posted a photograph of her severely swollen, battered and bruised face to her Facebook page, along with a description of the incident. She wrote: “A man in the crowd grabbed my arse. When I told him not to he did it again.”
“I pushed him away, exercising my right to tell a man to stop touching my body without my permission, so he took a swing at me and punched me in the face.”
Brandon’s experience is not an anomaly. It is what happens in a world that sends the message to men from a young age that women’s bodies are public property, to which they have an automatic right. This story may sound horrifying to many male readers, but for so many women, the quick escalation to anger and even physical violence when they dare to insist on bodily autonomy is painfully familiar.
So many of us have seen shouts of “all right sexy”, “hey darling” turn in an instant to “fuck you whore”, when we dare to ignore or reject the unwanted advance. Countless stories of street harassment reported to the Everyday Sexism Project demonstrate how quickly the wolf whistles and shouts we are told to accept as “just a compliment” can morph into aggressive abuse.
“Three or four guys shouted ‘sexy’ and ‘baby’ at me on the street; and then ‘bitch’ and ‘whore’ when I ignored them.”
“Being called an F****** uptight B**** because I ignored someone’s wolf whistles.”
“First day of work on packed tube, guy in suit put his hand between my legs, when I loudly complained he said ‘stupid dyke’.”
“Wouldn’t flirt back to a group of youths so they spat in my face.”
“Man leant from car window to ask directions, I said I was running for train (true) so he drove on pavement and pinned me against shop window. I had to clamber over bonnet to escape, him swearing at me.”
“Being punched by the man sexually assaulting my friend in a club when trying to help her as he wouldn’t leave her alone.”
“At a club last year. Repeatedly groped. Told him to back off. He grabbed me roughly and said women can’t talk to men like that.”
These aggressive reactions stem from the idea that the harassers and assaulters have an inherent right to women’s bodies, and when that “right” is denied, they react with surprise and anger. There’s no embarrassment or apology when they are confronted, because there is no belief that what they are doing is wrong. It’s “normal” – because that’s what women are there for, right?
This is why it’s so frustrating to see the hackneyed arguments rumble on about whether wolf-whistles and shouts in the street are just “compliments” women should be grateful for. Forgive us for not being wild about laying the foundations of the idea that our bodies are not our own. The more we belittle and excuse verbal harassment, the more we strengthen the idea that if a woman is in a public space, she’s there for men’s pleasure and entertainment. It becomes accepted that it is any man’s unquestionable right to judge her appearance and loudly announce his verdict. It’s that same idea of ownership, taken one step further, that lets a man believe it’s perfectly fine for him to go ahead and grab a woman’s body if it suits him, because, again, that’s what she’s there for right? Her primary purpose is to provide him with sexual satisfaction. Her body is there for him.
It’s the same notion that underlies the almost farcically common instruction to “smile, darling”. It’s the reason why, in the past few months alone, a teenager in Belfast was punched in the face by a man who tried to kiss her and a man in Philadelphia was knocked unconscious for trying to stand up for a group of women who were being harassed in the street.
As Brandon herself wrote, women “should be able to leave the house without fear of being sexually assaulted”. In the same week that an “anti-rape” nail polish adds yet another drop in the ocean of victim-focused responses to rape, this incident should come as a wakeup call. Victims aren’t the problem. Perpetrators are. And as long as we keep sending the message that it is normal to see women’s bodies as objects for men’s amusement and pleasure, men will continue to think it is their right to use them as such.

Posted by
Laura Bates
17.02 BST

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